Ghost Bird
I think I am being haunted by a ghost. Specifically, a ghost from my youth. More specifically, a ghost bird from circa 2003.
Even more specifically, a ghost bird from circa 2003, tweeting a 2-note c-sharp to b-flat birdsong, over and over. And over.
It could be a real bird, but no real bird could pluck a long-forgotten tune from the recesses of my memory and etch it back into in my brain over one workday. No real bird could snap me back to every moment of I’ve stayed up too late again! in my early 20s, in my basement bedroom of my parents’ house, snacking on junk food and lurking on various forums of the Early Internet ™
No real bird could conjure the feeling of wearing my insomnia as a badge of honour: Look at how little sleep I can run on! No real bird could bring on the hindsight that that might have been my brain and body dealing with various anxieties: of not understanding what I had stayed up all night studying; of not having any plans for the degree I was working towards; and for a while, not know what degree I was working towards at all. No real bird could bring on the realisation that I definitely knew that I did not know what I was doing, and that I was doing my utmost to shovel that realisation away from my conscious mind. Ah, what blissful oblivion.
No, real birds don’t haunt people like that.
This is a ghost bird.
This time around, I am not comfort-eating through wide-awake, sleepless nights. This time around, all my anxieties are top of mind, all the time. This time around, I am very aware of the perpetual parade of newfound anxieties on top of existing anxieties, on top of various concerns, on top of old anxieties I thought had already been dealt with.
This time around, I want to sleep, all the time, to remain in the temporary refuge in the nonsense adventures of my unconscious mind. Ah, a temporary blissful oblivion.
I want to, but I can’t.
This time around, I can neither stay up all night, nor sleep through the day. My brain is restless, and my body wants sleep. So, I do my best to take it one day at a time: keep my routines, reach out to friends and family, eat meals at a regular schedule, exercise my mind and my body, and let’s not forget – try not to go outside. I try to do all of these every day, even on a day punctuated by an eerie ghost bird song.
Although, on such a day, I have skipped lunch, had far too much coffee, and spent too many hours scouring bird sites. I have had my hopes peak when I came across a familiar-sounding birdsong on a most interesting site, and then dashed on learning that the bird that makes this song is not found where I grew up. It is a ghost bird after all.
Are you alright? Are you also being haunted by a ghost bird? I am sorry. If my haunting has taught me anything, it is to give yourself a break and, if you need, let your curiosity lead you for a bit. I hope to find my ghost bird one day. Maybe by then, we will all be able to head outside, and I will be able to see it for myself.